I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
