he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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