We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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