I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
