I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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