I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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