and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
