I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
