Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
