Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
