just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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