You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
