I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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