I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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