Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
