the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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