so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
