i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
