I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You dont lie about slip and slides
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
