my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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