if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Randomize
