Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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