fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
