my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
