get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
dude. I can hear the air.
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