He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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