I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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