if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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