I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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