Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
should my penis look like a turkey
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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