That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
