Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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