if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
