Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
