you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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