My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
