3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize