He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
