did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You are a genius and a whore.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
