he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
