well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
