We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
