im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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