I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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