How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
