Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
