fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
