Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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