i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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