new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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