When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i think i just lost a toe
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
