o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
