he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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