I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
