Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize