one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
