The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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