you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
