Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
