Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Holy shit dude........stairs
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
