So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize