hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
