His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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