The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
